Stuff I Wrote

A Liberated Body student recently asked me this question:

“I find myself not really taking the time to do the exercises we went through and continuously do my stretches, I’m not really sure why there is such resistance. Does this happen with your clients?”

Ummm YES. 100% this was me. Does this feel familiar to you, too?

This student is essentially asking: I know this work is important, so why am I not prioritizing it? I answered her question in a video:

I didn’t realize I was talking for an hour! So if you’d like to listen while you’re on the move, I have an audio-only version for you:

Audio quality isn’t fantastic, but I wasn’t really planning to make it into a “podcast”. Next time I’ll use my mic!

Originally, did this video on a Facebook live, my first time ever doing that (you can check that out here in all its unedited, awkward glory).

Do you need to practice the “middle finger mudra”?

Usually if there is something we want (like to move better with less pain) but we aren’t taking the action to get it, it’s because a form of resistance is in the way.

Identifying your resistance will show you exactly what action you need to take. What story you’te telling yourself that you need to say a big F*#K YOU to. Starting today.

I find the middlge finger mudra very helpful here 😉

Go 100% into the resistance. Give yourself no option. Stop thinking, just do the thing. No matter how small that first step is, go into it 100%. Worst thing that can happen is you’ll quit and things will stay exactly the same.

So there’s really nothing to lose! Just take the next little step.

If you haven’t tried this meditation yet, do it now (and use that special middle finger mudra to embody it…)

Do you need a little help with that first small step to taking ownership? Need some accountability to make sure you don’t back out again? Or feel like you need a “reset” to help start a new movement practice or routine? 

I invite you to join my next Liberated Body workshop.

I make the process of doing your work less big and daunting, showing you exactly what to do and how to do it. And hopefully fun, too 😉

Not sure if its right for you? Email me and we can figure that out.

Anyway, below is a complete breakdown of the stuff I rambled on about in the video, in case you’d rather read the bullet notes.

Enjoy!

Why am I so dang resistant to doing the work?

In the video I cover:

• What is resistance?
• 6 step framework to get from facts to results
• 13 of the most common mindset blocks that are keeping you from actually doing dang exercises you know you should be doing.
• 3 step process of awakening: Consiousness, witnessing, awareness
• How behaviour influces our attitude, not the other way around

What is resistance anyway?

That voice in our head that says:

• This isn’t important
• I don’t want to do that
• I don’t know how
• It’s too overwhelming
• I don’t have the time
• It’s too complicated
• I’m not motivated
• I’m too tired
• I’m scared
• I’m embarassd 
• What will people think
• I have this other thing that’s more important, I’ll do it later

The 6 step framework

Using this framework can help take you from seeing the facts to getting the result you want.

Let’s say for Annie, the result is she wants to get out of pain so she can do her work better- Acting, dancing, and living without fear of flaring stuff up.

What does her six step framework look like?

Facts→ truth→ demand→ effort→ transformation→ result

1.  What are the facts? Annie is in pain and can’t seem to get out of it. 
   
2. What’s the truth? Annie can’t bring herself to prioritize the work. To put bluntly: The work isn’t important enough to her, yet. 
   
3. What’s her demand? To see the importance in the work she has to do. To do this, she must have a clear vision of the result she will have in her life when she is no longer living in pain. 
   
4. What’s her effort? What’s the Sadhana- The daily effort to undertake. Not perfection. For her this might mean putting in her calendar 5 minutes everyday to start working on just one exercise.
   
5. What’s the transformation she needs to make? From someone who isn’t able to give herself even 5 minutes a day to focus 100% on her, to someone who can face her facts with confidence, and be disciplined to do the work, put herself first, prioritize her body’s demands for recovery and healing, while saying no to everythign getting in the way. 
   
6. The result? Annie is able to live a pain free life. The result is also bigger than just her. It’s also a blessing for all, when she are living out the vision she has for herself. Annie becoming pain free and modeling ownership of her body’s needs is a blessing for others who meet her. Seeing the blessing relinquishes the sense of guilt or feeling selfish that can arise.

I encourage you to define what these 6 steps look like for you, right now.

13 common forms of resistance: Which do you identify with?

Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist. Far from it! I’m definitely not claiming I know what’s going on in your hear. These are simply some of the common things that come up, that I’ve observed in my clients, and in myself.

1. You think you need more information, or something external to happen before you can get to work. In reality, what is necessary is to put 100% of the focus on YOU. Putting 100% of your focus and attention on you, might be scary because you see how much of a mess things really are, how much effort it will take, so you abort mission. Are you treating your body like I treat my taxes?
   
2. “I can’t change”. Nope. The only truth is that change happens. So we need to be very selective about the tpes of stimuli we expose ourselves to.
   
3. “I don’t have the time”. AKA this is not yet important enough to me. Do you know your values? Can you link doing the work to one of your actual highest values
   
4. It feels too overwhelming and you don’t know where to start. What is overwhelm? It’s the failure to organize something complex into a system with easy to follow steps. Are you not willing to ask for help, or do the research to break the process down systematically? Is there a book you can buy? Is there a program you can enroll in? Do it! You just have to start! The longer you put off doing the work the more it builds up and it seems daunting and you don’t know where to start so you convince yourself its not important anymore.
   
5. The fear that if you commit to getting the result, your entire life has to change. Becoming the new version of yourself can be utterly terrifying because you’re so attached to the comfort and familiarity of the routines and habits and structures you’ve built for yourself, even though they might be keeping you in pain. Are you numbing yourself to this? What are you using to numb out the fear of rising to the new demands?
   
6. “I don’t think it will work for ME”. AKA do you think you’re special and the rules of “put in the work, reap what you sow” don’t apply to you? Or that if it doesn’t work instantly that it doesn’t work at all? Are you addicted to instant gratification so that if something doesn’t immediately make a change, you dismiss it? Sometimes this work takes time. This might be a long term process. It will work for you if you do the work.
   
7. “I’m afraid that things will get worse because I might do it wrong, so I don’t do anything”. Well they’ll get worse if you do nothing, so you might as well start doing something so you can rule in and out what works for you and what doesn’t. 
   
8. “I don’ thave the motivation”. Motivation is relying on something external. Inspiration is when something wakes up inside and says “I need to do this, and I want to do this”. When we can see the situation clearly- the facts- and wake up to the demand, something WILL automatically spark in us to take action.
   
9. Are you worried about what other people will think? We get invested in the image people have created of us. Maybe taking time to do self-care isn’t part of your identityand you worry what people will think of you. Will it look selfish? Will I look weird? Will people think I’m weak? Could trying to be who you think people want you to be keeping you stuck? Two options: Stop caring, or get new friends.
   
10. Is your identity built around moving and exercising in only one particular way? And do you put up a wall against anything that isn’t that thing, because it’s not in line with the current image of yourself you’ve built? Are you addicted to intensity? Unwilling to try a gentler way because the only way you can feel something is when its 100%, hardstyle? We can’t toperate at 100% all the time. What if you aimed to operate at 20% effort, 80% of the time, to build a reserve?
    
11. Does taking the responsibility for your body feel too scary? Do you think life shouldn’t be scary sometimes? This is called delusion… Do you just want to escape into fun, and when things get too hard, or aren’t interesting do you quit? Use this resistance as the cue to do the thing. Stop thinking about it and just do it.
    
12. Do you see doing the work as punishment, or as an act of self-love? Can reframe it? Can you make YOU sacred, and the work your ceremony? Can you see this work as love, not punishment? 
    
13. Are you unwilling to say no to the things and people you need to say no to, in order to say YES to doing this work? To do one exercise for just for 5 minutes a day, what will you have to ssay no to? Mindless scrolling on your phone?

Thats’ definitely not a complete list. And I’m certainly not trying to psychoanalyze you, or Annie, or anyone else. I simply hope that this helps you identify if any of these patterns exist in you, right now.

Now your turn… What forms of resistance did you identify with? I’d love to hear. Shoot me an email back, or write a vomment on this post. Or is there soemthing else I didn’t mention? I’m genuinely curious 🙂

Books and stuff I referenced:

Dance Stronger ebook and training program

The Values Factor, book by Dr. John Demartini

The meditation teacher I mentiond: Dhyan Vimal

In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts, book by Dr. Gabor Mate

The Flinch, book by Julien Smith

Liberated Body Workshop

Want more movement nerdy goodness? Come hang out with me in one of my monthly free Movement Nerd Hangouts, every second Friday of the month. Check the schedule here and get on the VIP list.

Have you ever had an ankle sprain?

That’s a silly question… If you’re a human, your answer is most proabably yes.

If you’re a dancer, like I am currently having an identity crisis about, statistically, ankle sprains are one of the most common injuries.

The problem is that most of us disregard our past ankle sprains as being unimportant and unrelated to any of our current aches, pains, and chronic niggles.

And then our bodies woes become this mystrious thing, a senseless cascade of symptoms of source unknown.

I work with a lot of folks in this situation, and I often see the impact of an an old, forgotten, ignored ankle sprain, on their body’s current state.

The way their body is moving now has become their solution. Their current set of movement options is an adaptive strategy in response to that sprain.

Could this be you? (chances are likely, yes)

How do you know if your old ankle sprian is still messing with you, and what can you do about it?

You can totally figure this out…

On one condition: You’ve got to stop trying random shit you found on Youtube and instead, find a system to investigate your ankle/body as objectively as possible.

I’ve been blessed to have been shown such a system, and I want to share it with you, step by step. And it’s not rocet surgery.

You can become your own ankle sprain whisperer.

But first, there’s a bit of background info to get familiar with, so I made a little three part video series (all the clips are from my most recent Liberated Body Movement Deep Dive session, called: The Ankle Sprain Retrospective)

Ankle Sprain Whispering: The Preliminary Theory

I love those two words together: “Preliminary theory”. Feels so sophisticated, doesn’t it?

This first video describes why it is important to consider how an old, forgotten ankle sprain could be messing with other distant parts of your body.

There is a system you can use to determine how many other issues your ankle sprain may be linked to (and I’m going to share that system, just a little farther along. Oh how I love a good system, don’t you?!).

So if your neck feels restricted, and 5 years of neck stretching hasn’t helped, should you keep doing those streteches? Or is it time to get curious about the real source of that neck issue? Is your neck being affected by your ankle?

We can totally figure this out!

6 Important Considerations for Ankle Sprain Significance

Video two is to help you consider how significant that ankle sprain was, so you can truly give it the time and attention it needs.

Most people under-appreciate the impact of an injury, because while their minds may have forgotten it, their bodies still remember.

This next video outlines a few important considerations to develop an appreciation for the amount of time, attention, and care that old sprain might need now, so we can move forwards and heal appropriately.

*NOTE my audio turned off as I was speaking about the first consideration (tbh I actually dropped my phone in my toilet right before recording the session… Guys, you don’t need your phone in the bathoroom with you. Learn from my mistakes!), so the video begins at #2.

Not on the video, consideration one is,“How old were you at the time of injury?”. Consider that the younger you were when the sprain happened might make it more significant, not less. THis goes against how we usually think.

Consider that 20 years of adaptation and habit formation around that sprain is more impactful than one year. Just because you were young and you healed, doesn’t mean it didn’t have a significant effect on your body to this day.

The 6 considerations in a nutshell:

1. How old were you at the time? *see note above
2. What was your emotional/nervous system state?
3. Did it cause you to cease activity for a period of time, and did you respect that?
4. Did you receive the appropriate rehabilitation or complete care needed at the time?
5. Did you personally, or other authority figures take it seriously or did you ignore it and push through it??
6. Did any new symptoms, of unknown cause, at other parts of your body pop up weeks, months, or even years after the ankle sprain?

And then a little rant about the standard medical system and how it so often dismisses us when doctors don’t have answers. All too common…

The Ankle Sprain Whispering System

Ok, now let’s look at a practical system we can use to rule in or out any suspisions about how and what that old ankle sprain is affecting.

This system is based on the Anatomy in Motion check-in process, which is a self-assessment of the motions your body should be able to do during gait. In AiM philosophy and practice, we think of gait as:

a. One of the most objective movement assessment tools we have

and,

b. A highly meaningful context to reintroduce missing movements to restore effiency and ease to the body

To be honest, I didn’t assess myself prior to recording the session, so I had no expectations, and I was quite surprised to find that my left ankle was affecting my left shoulder and neck range of motion. Well shit! Didn’t know that until I checkd in…

Give yourself about 20 minutes to participate in the “Ankle Sprain Whispering Check-in System” (patent pending… jk, this is not my work, it’s adapted from the teachings of Gary Ward and Chris Sritharan, through my AiM studies, and I consider it to be a necessary chapter of the “how to have a human body user’s manual”, so please share far and wide).

The Ankle Sprain Whispering System steps:

1. Check in with your baseline mechanics. We want to know:
   – Where is your center of mass resting ( based on your foot pressures)?
   – Which leg do you trust/not trust to stand on?
   – What is the current movement potential of your body telling you about which leg you like to stand on more (pelvis shifts, rotations, stepping forwards)?
   – Does your ankle have its full set of movement options?
   
2. Manipulate ankle variables (the towel “hug”, inversion, and eversion) to determine what else in your body is being affected by your ankle’s current state. Do your mechanics improve when your foot is more everted? More inverted? When “give it a hug”?

Simple.

What did you find? I’d love to hear.

What do you do with the data?

So maybe you found, like me, that your body has some unresolved issues with your old ankle sprain, and now you’re wondering, what do you do about it?

We want to restore movement options at your foot and ankle so that it can be an independednt, self-actualized body part, no longer interfering with mechanics above. Only when your ankle can know itself and its potential can it then be re-integrated with the whole body, in harmonious relationship.

Restoring missing movement options to a locked down, or hypremobile ankle will help it continue and/or complete its healing process, thereby not needing another part of the body to make up for its loss of options.

We also want to ensure that other parts of your body no longer have to make up for a lack of motion below. For example, if you’re like me and your left humerus external rotation is affected by your left ankle, I also want to do some work on restoring some missing movement to my humerus.

In a nutshell: Can your foot ankle pronate and supinate? Dorsiflex and plantar flex?

If you give these movements back to your system, then re-check with your body’s mechanics, you just might find that your neck problem, at its root, was really more the result of an ankle problem.

That’s what it means to be an ankle sprain whisperer: You are fluent in speaking, listening, and interpreting your body’s language.

How do I restore movement options?

Restoring movement options should also be done in the context of a system (I reallllly love systems because I’m super lazy), and therfore I hesitate to share specific exercises out of context, as they may become yet another random thing someone finds on Youtube and misinterprets.

So if you want to learn more, get the context, and get the system to make the exercises effective, I’m going to invite you to join my next Liberated Body online workshop, in which I share allll the things.

The next one is coming up on Sept 19th 2020, and registration is now open 🙂

In Liberated Body, I make understanding the complexity of gait mechanics simple for anyone, regardless of your background in movement and anatomy, so you can get results with it.

We cover your whole body’s movement mechanics based on its original instructions for the walking cycle. Day two is where we cover foot and ankle mechanics.

It’s a lovely experiential study of your anatomy to troubleshoot why your body feels the way it does, and find strategies to make it feel better, move with less pain, and do all of the things you love with more ease.

Shoot me an email if you want to chat more and learn if this workshop is a good fit for you right now 🙂 Or if you’re ready to register right now, sign up here.

How good of an ankle sprain whisperer are you?

How did that process go for you? Did you discover anything new?

I didn’t even know my left ankle was related to my lef arm until I recorded that session! Crazy! There’s so much to explore…

I’d love to hear what you found. Write a comment below or send me an email about your experience with this ankle sprain business.

You CAN be your own Ankle Sprain Whisperer!

All the best with your ongoing movement explorations 🙂

Want to explore this nerdy stuff with me live every month?

You should join one of my free monthly Movement Nerd Hangouts. See the full topic schedule here, and sign up below so that I can email you when registration opens for the next hangout 🙂

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After each “lesson” in my Liberated Body online course I ask students to reflect on a few questions to help them process their experience.

Unintentionally, the answers have been inspiring material for my brain to nom and poop into blog posts.

For instance:

My question: What does having a “liberated body” mean to you?

Student answer: “Being able to move with ease and skill long term + feeling joy while defying societal expectations of body/movement acceptability”

Defying soceital expectation of body/movement acceptability.

Because I could not do this is exactly how things went wrong for me.

This soceital defiance in the name of our bodies is the embodied revolution we need (maybe that’s what I should call my workshop instead?? Don’t steal plz).

It got me thinking… Why do we need an embodied revolution? Have we been bullied? Coereced? Indoctrinated?

Have you been bullied?

I didn’t realize until recently how bullied I was, we all are, by societal expectations for how a body “should” be.

Have you been bullied into dismissing your body? Made to believe that how your body looks is more important than how it feels to inhabit? I have. Most women have. Men, too.

I have have been bullied by ballet teachers to care more about my appearance and the pretty shapes I can make my body do than for the relationship I have with it.

Have you been bullied into doing someone elses’ bidding at expense of the well being of your own body?

Most of us been reduced by society to think that the body is nothing but a piece of meat to manipulate. That the highest echelon of acheivement is to appear to fit in and toil away at the expense of ourselves being present as… Ourselves!

Well I got news. You. Are. Not. Steak.

The Meat-Body and the Feeling-Body

That we are reduced to a “meat-body” who has fogotten it can feel is at the root of so much suffering.

For me, the manifestation of my meat-body was an eating disorder. For others, addiction. For others, being sucked into a career path only to wake up one day to see how it’s not what they really wanted, but what their parents wanted for them.

Whatever your case may be, our CULTutral environment asks us to dismiss inhabiting a body that can feel.

At best, we are advised to exercise as a clever ruse to pretend we’re taking care of our bodies. But this advice is for the meat-body- Conform, fit in, look busy, but don’t feel.

Its no wonder its so tough to figure out for ourselves what is “best” for our bodies. And everybody’s got advice for the meat-body that sounds great.

Go for a run. Get an injection. Try these orthotics.

The only advice I feel is ethical to give is that nobody can know what’s best for your body but you, but as you are now, you’re probably asking the question to a piece of steak.

So, how do you know what’s best for your body?

Society knows best

For most of us, the pull of society’s standard is too strong and becomes “what’s best”. By this travesty, we gradually forget how to actually feel our bodies.

Not only are we steak, we are so well cooked we need to add globs of sugary BBQ sauce to make going there even palatable.

We need help from apps that tell us when to eat, when to sleep, when to move, if we’re breathing the right way.

We need all kinds of biofeedback technology just to tell us about how our body is feeling, because we can’t yet tell for ourselves.

If I’m being honest, I’m talking about myself here.

I’m still recovering my sense of true physical hunger. Most of the time I still have to intellectualize whether I should eat or not because I’ve lost the ability to hear a signal so fundamental for survival. Sometimes when I do feel real hunger it makes me feel nauseaus and I have to stop and tell myself I’m ok. I’m not perfect, I’ve got an over-cooked meat-body, too.

Why is it so easy to lose the ability to feel our bodies?

Because this need to fit in pervades all aspects of our weird societal structure.

And if we can stop feeling the subtle messages from our body, the ones that say, “Rest!” “Eat!”, “Don’t eat!”, and “Don’t trust that guy!”, we can ignore the uncomfortable sense that we’re going wrong.

If you could choose not to ever feel wrong again, wouldn’t you?

But in denying the feeling-body, all we can do is conform to an expectation that was never originally ours. If we could feel this bullying as it was happening, it would hurt! And who wants to feel hurt? Not me.

Better to pretend its not bullying at all. Better to stop feeling. Ignorance is bliss.

Hello meat-body.

And your meat-body is very good at getting shit done at your expense.

Your meat-body brings home the bacon

Most of us would rather not admit we willingly dismiss our bodies in order to focus harder on our work, make money, and survive. Especially right now, in COVID days.

Most careers rely on our minds to get shit done at the expense of our bodies.

The mind and the feeling-body can rarely coexist, not without deliberate training. It’s freakin’ hard. Just try it: Do some algebra or some other intellectual task, and pay attention to your breathing at the same time. Maybe you can do it… I can’t.

The benefit of using the mind from a meat-body state is that we can get sucked into it work-mode so intensely that it feels hella productive.

In fact, we feel pretty great! Great that is, until the feeling-body speaks up one day- Shit, you have a herniate disc and it hurts. How the heck did that happen? I didn’t feel it coming.

That’s because you’re steak. Steak doesn’t thave feelings.

Alas, even when the feeling-body starts to speak, we don’t want to hear it. We mean to do right by our body, but we instead we silence it with exercise to “fix”it so we can go back to being steak + mind.

But lack of exercise wasn’t the original problem for the meat-body. The source of the probelm was that we were not paying attention to our feeling-body.

Is the solution to not listening just to yell louder?

Tempting… But no.

Layering stretching and strengthening on top of a body that cannot feel is like shaking a crying baby. You get the result you wanted- silence, but then you have to deal with the devastating consequences.

Exercise is not the fix, because “doing” isn’t the solution for not being present.

Tenderizing an over-cooked steak doesn’t make it any less cooked. It just pummels it. But it feels productive to do something, doesn’t it?

Bringing feeling back to the meat-body

When we are stuck doing and attaining- exercise, career-focus, fitness goals, etc- instead of feeling, we are taken away from being in a body that can feel.

Feeling should be a natural state. Imagine a toddler just developing its senses. All feeling all the time.

But for most of us, feeling is something we have to train ourselves to do again. It becomes a “doing”, and we risk going wrong, yet again, by making “feeling” an output, instead of an input.

In my work with people, and in Liberated Body, this is where we begin: Using movement as input first, output second.

We were all born with the ability to feel our bodies, but somewhere along the way we were told there were more important things than our sensory experience.

We must remember the feeling-body. And only by this alchemical rememberance, overcooked steak can be transformed to its original, raw state.

Non-verbal communication requires a feeling body

So what’s the use of a feeling-body anyway if we can get more shit done by ignoring it?

Life has such sensory richness the meat-body cannot come close to knowing.

Do you know the depth to which the body can feel and communicate beyond the mind?

If you don’t know what I mean, you are probably steak.

What if just being was the ultimate attainment? So rich. Such a joy just to inhabit. What if that was enough?

This transformation from steak into a feeling body is the embodied revolution, and it’s better than chocolate cake (but try telling that to the mind).

Our pre-frontal cortex is great, but…

You are more than a steak with a PFC.

The rest of this blog post is locked for members of my Move With Monika online movement education platform…

If you’d like to read more, and Move With ME (Monika), you go here to join in the fun.

There’s this place between input and output called stillness where I never allow my body to go . 

It’s a shame because between input and output everything exists. 

It’s the space between cause and effect. 

Between thought and reaction. 

It’s where I can feel.

It’s a space of possibility. Pure potential.

It’s where I give myself fully to ground and gravity. 

And its also the place I use input and output to escape, because I’m too afraid to go. 

This place called stillness is part of physical mastery. And paradoxically, we have to work to attain mastery stillness.

But its a nuanced kind of work that I don’t know if I can explain well.

Think of it like this: Most people think that mastering something is an act of doing. Or trying. An effort.

Anything we can attain must be through an effort to get it, right? 

This is perfectly fine in many areas, like strength training, or improving movement capacity in some regard.

There’s even an inspiring song (and movie) about it:

But with stillness… Not quite the same effort.

Just think to the last time someone told you to relax, which is what we tend think of as stillness.

Someone tells you, “Try to relax”.

What did you just do? You TRIED. You put in EFFORT to attain a state of relaxation. In all likelihood, in your best effort to relax you succeeded only to tighten and compress your body. 

The challenge is that in stillness there is no reference to tell you that you’re doing it. When you contract something, you feel it in the spot you’re contracting. When you are doing nothing, however, what do you feel, and where do you feel it?

I actually don’t have an answer to that because I don’t do enough nothing to feel what nothing feels like (if nothing can even have a feeling…)

What is the reference point for non-action? If we are the one being still, what moving thing gives reference to us?

Stillness is when the world is still moving, and we are just there in it. Not moving with it or against it, just there in it.

Stillness it not felt as an effort. Which is supremely unsatisfying.

It’s not felt as something acting, tensing, straining, contracting, or doing something effortful, in a particular location in your body. So what is even telling you that you’re there? How can you tell that you’re still?

Maybe this is one reason why stillness can be so scary: It’s like you’re not even there… We’re so used to being the point of reference based on input and output.

So when you hear “Try to relax”, it’s not your fault if your default is to tighten your body. 

I’ve been trying to find better words to describe this state of stillness. It’s a place where no effort is required to be. Nothing coming in. Nothing going out. 

I think its so hard to describe stillness because for most of us the brain structures to comprehend it don’t even exist. And we can only understand that which we already have the neural structures to understand…

The Taoist concept of Wu Wei comes to mind: Action through non action. Doing through non doing. Stillness as a state consciously attained through an intention to not act. 

The best way I’ve come to understand stillness, as thing for my body, is as a deep surrender to gravity. A act of non-resistance to it. Letting it bear down, pressing me to the Earth without fighting back.

Most of us are fighting back. We don’t want to surrender. We don’t want to feel helpless in our non-action. 

In fitness and rehab we are taught exercises to “fight back”- Anti gravity exercises, spine extension, standing with “good posture”. I even teach these exercises. And to do them can bring a sense of power and sovereignty: We will not be pushed down. We are strong. Fuck you gravity.

But oh, if you let yourself go to this place called stillness without fighting you’ll feel the pure power that is there What if you could just be in that power without using it? Just in it.

I tried. It was unsettling.

To lie in raw, unused, undirected power feels dangerous and out of control. So instead of lingering in it, we direct it into a protective action, or “productivity”, or business (aka laziness). 

This is why stillness, as a practice, is part of physical mastery. Its how we learn to exists beyond doing. Its where we get to be with our personal power and feeling it’s surge without expending it.

That is, if we don’t escape how chaotic and weird it is.

I was out walking a few days ago and the insight hit me like a ton of bricks: I don’t ever allow myself to be still. There’s always some input I’m taking in, or something I’m doing as an output. 

Not that this is bad… But something’s missing, living that way.

Inputs and outputs are like ducks always coming and going on a pond, creating ripples on the surface so there’s never quite enough clarity to see through to the bottom. See there are actually fishes there. Maybe a rare turtle or some other treasure.

When I’m always using an input or output I avoid stillness and so I can never see what’s really there. 

And in so doing I’ve learned not to trust my body. I’ve never learned to be with it without having to force something in or do something active with it. 

In blocking my stillness, I also block feeling my pain, hunger, emotions, and fatigue. I don’t get accurate sensory information.

Food, information, music, coffee, manual therapy- Inputs I use to alter my state from stillness to analysis or distraction.

And exercise is the main output I use to control what I will allow my body to feel, which is preferable to letting unpredictable and uncomfortable feelings come over me.

And these keep me from experiencing me as I am, as a still pond. With treasure at the bottom I’m missing.

If I’m being honest, I realize I’m just using these inputs and outputs to avoid being still. 

For example, I say, I’m going out for a walk to be “still”, or to “be with myself”. But I’m walking, which is a doing. I’m listening to music, which is an analysis and a distraction. I’m not being still, I’m just pretending. 

I’m not saying you’re doing this. But I definitely am when I look closely.

I laughed out loud as I realized that all the things I call “stillness” are really just me fooling myself. Escaping stillness with something that looks sort of like it.

Even when I sit down to meditate, I’m actively trying to hold a posture (an output). Or I’m meditating on a concept- An input, an analysis, a distraction from a still state. 

Well shit.

And if I’m being really honest, I realized that the number of minutes I spend being truly still in a given day is less than 30. But probably less than 5.

But all life can’t be in stillness. We’d be such easy prey that our biology won’t allow it. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a valuable place to visit more frequently, when it’s safe.

So I decided to try (there’s that word “try”, crap) to find real stillness. 

I lied on my back, and said to myself, “Be fully with the feeling of ground and gravity”. And just wait…

For what? 

That’s the problem… There is no “what”. Just wait. 

But then what the fuck is this supposed to accomplish?

After a minute or so I had the urge to get up and write down all the thoughts (pretty thoughts) that were coming in, because it felt really important that I “get” something tangible out of this. But that would be an output.

I had the urge to move because I was restless. I was the literal embodiment of 100 impulses to do something more instantly gratifying. Anything to escape. 

Boredom. Feeling useless. Feeling like I’m wasting time that I could be DOING.

There wasn’t anything bad happening. But without reference of something coming in, or something going out, I had no reference for who I even was. 

Maybe that’s the point… To dissolve.

Something about it was liberating. Also extremely uncomfortable. 

I lasted 10 minutes. 

I think we’re always balancing inputs and outputs to try to feel like we exist. To sense we are the reference point of our lives by whats going into it and what’s going out.

Right now, as I type this (output), I’m drinking a coffee (input). 

Later, I’m going for a walk (output), and I’ll listen to music (input). 

Then I’ll go work on my pull-ups (output), and eat some dinner (input), while I probably watch Downton Abby (input).

But what if there was a less effortful balance that existed in the space between input and output? I think I would truly like to visit that place more… 

And so I want to leave you with the question, should you like to reflect on this yourself:

How are you blocking your stillness with inputs? 

And how are you blocking your stillness with outputs? 

What would it feel like to exist referenceless?

I’ve been reflecting on what role movement plays in my life, and what goals I have for it.

Not just, “what goals do I have for my body?”, but “how do the goals I have for my body help me live a life of mastery, seeking truth, and sharing my gifts to others?”

What am I hoping to get out of each time I deliberately carve out the time to participate in the physical area of my life, through movement and exercise?

In movement, as in every area of my life, the concept of MASTERY predominates. So, what does it mean to put in work in the area of physical mastery? 

Let’s first talk about what mastery is not.

Whenever we use exercise or movement to uphold an image of ourselves that is tied to our sense of identity, this cannot be mastery. If I am to use myself as an example, I often use exercise to control my body size, or to feel productive while I procrastinate doing something else. This is not mastery. It’s feeding my ego.

But mastery implies not just doing what is easy and doing the thing we know we should do, but don’t want to, because it doesn’t come naturally. Or we find it boring, or because through it we have to face something painful we’d rather not admit to (like that I care far too much about how my body looks and not nearly enough about what it can do).

So, what’s the easy thing you’re doing? And what’s the hard thing you’re avoiding?

If I’m being honest, the easy thing for me to do is make time for movement everyday (for some people that’s the hardest thing!). The hard thing for me to do is to engage with movement from a place in which I’m not using it to punish myself for eating too much, or to avoid doing something (like my taxes), or out of a need I feel to look a certain way (thinner, always thinner, and more toned). If I fess up to these motives, I actually find I have no desire at all to exercise. Like, what’s the fucking point anymore??

And this realization fucking sucks. It hurts like hell to confront because if I admit to it, then I have to question everything I think I believe about why I’m exercising in the first place. I have face how my movement practice is me lying to myself.

And then I have to ask, am I ok with not being in my personal integrity when I exercise? My answer is, no.

But therein lies my practice of physical mastery.

My personal embodiment of physical mastery demands that I suspend everything superficial and exterior I use exercise for, and then, despite my disinterest, do it anyway. I commit to myself that I will try to feel what its like to move from this disciplined place with real awareness of intent, and not from my default appearance-driven compulsion, or fear of getting fat.

What seems to happen is that physical mastery first exists in the mind, and then manifests in the way it shapes the body. Just as laziness first exists in the mind, and has equal potential to shape the body.

So… What does your embodiment of physical mastery look like?

Here’s what physical mastery, in a movement practice, means to me:

Physical mastery means moving with complete awareness. Being clear on our motives. Moving with attention and intention. Attention of intention. Mastery is feeling empowered from within, not trying to exert power over your body, like it is a battle to win, or a problem to fix. 

Mastery is pure enjoyment of your physical being. The joy just to have a body. Not because it is already perfect, free from pain, or performing to efficiency, but in spite of it’s imperfections you find reason to delight in it. You find reason to celebrate taking ownership of its needs instead of shirking them.

It’s the knowing that your movement practice is an embodiment of delayed gratification. The knowing that the reward of your work today will come with a delay. Stay cool.

Mastery means seeing your reality, seeing the facts about your body, and deciding to act on what needs to be done, instead of ignoring problems and exercising just to numb out.

Mastery is understanding how cause and effect is at play: How everything you’ve done up until right now is reflected in the way your body looks, functions, and feels. No longer being blind to how past injuries- ones ignored, overlooked, and untreated- are affecting us still, today. And then instead of getting depressed or feeling helpless, seeing this fact simply as untapped potential.

Mastery is not pushing through pain, but bowing to it. Respecting the body’s occasional (or frequent…) demand for rest is an act of respect and strength, it does not show weakness. From this place of self-respect you do what needs to be done, even if that means doing much less, or much more, or just something completely different than you’re used to.

Mastery is not giving up on yourself. Not ever believing that your body is in a fixed state. It doesn’t mean you can stop working on your body, but that you recognize that the work is never done, yet you take delight in working anyway (a client once asked, “how long will I need to do these exercises for until I can stop and just get back to my regular life?”, to which I reply, “how long do you intend to live?”, and do you really want that “regular” life back?)

Mastery is choosing not to be lazy. Doing the hard thing, which sometimes means just showing up, and sometimes means auditing your motives, and sometimes means taking a rest day.

Mastery is birthed in the awareness that when you are doing what is right for your body, it is right for your mind, your spirit, for every other area of your life, and for everyone else in your life as well. It makes your movement practice an act of selflessness (so you can drop the guilt or feelings of selfishness at taking time for yourself).

Mastery transcends attainment of any goal: Getting out of pain or performing better at a sport, improving your posture, losing weight, or getting stronger. Mastery is at play when you achieve these results simply as a byproduct of your intention to do something for you because you care about you, not what anyone else thinks of you or what you think you should do.

Mastery is when your goals are your own, not hijacked by society, your parents, or your friend group. Mastery in your movement practice is when your goals, motives, and values are aligned. Embodied.

For me, physical mastery comes alive when I recognize that I only have this one body to live my life through, and the degree to which I can enjoy my life, share my gifts, and be present, is proportionate to how well I nurture it. Sometimes this means doing higher intensity training to boost my energy and resilience, and sometimes it means lying on the floor for an hour because I’m spent. Honouring this daily flux is one of the hardest things because it demands that I listen.

And mastery is the ongoing inquiry: What more can my body be for me? What is getting in the way? What am I blind to? How can I move with more enjoyment? How can I cultivate health and purpose through my movement practice? What I’m doing now… Would I be able to keep this up forever?

So take a moment before your next training session, yoga class, or jog, and reflect:

How are you embodying physical mastery, right now, in your movement practice?

What is the driving motive for exercise? Is it to attain an external goal, or is it an inner transformation?

Just today’s humble thoughts from your self-appointed body mechanics detective and physical mastery guide…

I had a moment yesterday when I was out for a walk, and it was the first beautiful, spring-feeling day we’ve had in the past week here in Toronto. In that moment, which lasted for just two footsteps, I felt a pure joy at just having a body that I could go for a walk in. It had been a while since I’ve felt that.

And something in me rejoiced with the inward cry: “THIS IS IT. This feeling is WHY you keep working on your body! And don’t you forget it” (for the record, I’ve already forgotten it… And was reminded only when I went back to revise this bit of writing…).

I think this is the ultimate “why” to embody, the longer those of us with a movement practice, practice: We keep working on our bodies so that it becomes like a receptacle into which joy can come. We do the work so we can get our bodies into a receptive state.

And developing this receptivity can only come to be, if you’re not using exercise as a crutch. 

However, this feeling lasted only for a measly two steps- maybe 2 seconds. And then I went back to walking and being lost in my thoughts, back into my grocery list, instead of basking in this inherent delight of my body that had come without my even forcing it. 

You see in that moment I realized that I didn’t need anything else to feel that life was a blessing, it was this feeling in my body. My body was a blessing that I was living my life in.

But years and years of deliberate hard work needed to happen for that moment to come. And the payoff? Two spontaneous seconds of gratitude. Doesn’t seem like a good payoff, does it… Kind of a pitiful return on investment, when you do the math.

But yet I persevere, because maybe tomorrow I can extend that to four seconds, four joyful steps. If I keep doing the work. 

So I want to ask the question: Is there something your are using exercise as a crutch for? Or to put it in other words, what is the current demand you’re feeling from life that you feel exercise can fulfill?

Is exercise just a means to an end? Or is done with the awareness that this is the disciplined action that needs to be taken because you can no longer deny how you body’s baggage, pain, stress, and lethargy are holding you back from a natural state of ease and celebration? Its a bit of a subtle distinction, but you can feel it if you tune in. 

For me (and maybe some of this will ring true for you as well) the demand I feel for my body is that I must keep working to understand it better, work to keep it pain free, keep it strong and resilient, and work to respect it.

I feel the demand that I practice loving and trusting my body more, and use my movement practice to actualize that, not to escape into exercising as a means shape my body to an image that society will recognize as acceptable. Sometimes this means the demand is to just REST (I’m feeling that demand for deliberate rest today…).

And I know that this demand is bigger than me.  As I do my work to support my body, peeling back the onion layers of strain, pain, injury, and all the times I failed to listen to it, I know I will be able to better understand and assist the bodies all whom I serve as a body mechanics detective.

The reality is that life is constantly going to knock us off course. And there is not one other area of life in which we don’t need our bodies to carry us. In our work, relationships, studies, leisure time… We need our body to show up for us, and the degree to which we can thrive in any other aspect of our lives cannot surpass the degree to which we’ve first attended to our body’s needs. 

So maybe you’d like to sit with these questions today:

What is the current demand you’re feeling from life that you feel your movement practice, or exercise program, can fulfill?

And how might you be using exercise as a crutch, a means to an end, or an escape? (what’s the hidden motive?)

Can you see a way in which this time spent tending to your body could manifest to support you in another area of life? 

How is developing mastery over your body going to help you live to your highest values, not distract you from them? 

Just my humble thoughts about physical mastery, for today.